Why loving people isn’t the same as liking them

Something we all have in common is that we’re surrounded by people, and our lives are embedded in relationships. And, if we’re being honest, some people drive us crazy.

These are people at school or work, at church, out there in the community at large, or even in our own families or friend circles.

So how do you be at your best when some people put you at your worst?

Several years ago, I led a teaching series on this very topic. I called it “Clench” because sometimes these people make you want to clench your teeth. At the same time, when we taken even two seconds to look in the mirror, we need to humbly acknowledge that just as we perhaps clench our teeth when thinking about other people, other people are most likely clenching their teeth when they think about us!

Even still, the clarion call remains unchanged. Jesus tells us (repeatedly) to love one another. But there’s the rub. Loving people isn’t always the same as liking them.

“Liking” someone is different. That usually means that we have positive feelings toward someone. Perhaps we have common interests or simply jive with their personality. Maybe we come from a similar background, like the same sports or music, or share the same sense of humour. But that’s different than loving someone.

To highlight the difference, we first need to define what we mean by “love.” Over the years I’ve done word studies on what the Bible—particularly the New Testament—means by “love,” both as a noun and as a verb (Greek: agape, agapao). Here are a few places it comes up.

Perhaps most famously, Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). We are also to love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:31).

Before his crucifixion he gave this instruction to his disciples: “just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (John 13:34). This makes it clear that the love Jesus expects us to share with one another is patterned on his own example.

We see this again in John 15:13 where he says: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.” Although this statement could be applied in a variety of contexts, he is most immediately referring to his own sacrificial death on the cross which will take place on the very next day.

With all this in mind, here’s a definition: “Love means acknowledging that other people are made in God’s image, and pursuing God’s best for them, often in a way that is self-sacrificial.” Let’s break down that definition one statement at a time.

First, love includes an acknowledgment that other people are made in God’s image.

This serves as a foundation for the definition as a whole. Everyone is made in God’s image. We find this detail in Genesis 1:27. Since everyone is made in the image of their Creator, they are due a certain dignity and respect, regardless of their background or choices. You may disagree with them about certain things, but they are still an image-bearer of the Author life.

Second, loving someone includes the idea of pursuing God’s best for that person.

The word “pursuing” is intentional. This underscores that biblical love isn’t rooted in our feelings. It is action-oriented. We can be loving toward someone regardless of how we feel. If someone hasn’t eaten for two days and I give them something to eat, I’m doing something loving for them, even if my feelings toward that person are neutral or negative.

Notice also that loving someone includes pursuing God’s best for them. This is critical. It might not always be what that person thinks is best for them, but it is what God thinks is best for them. How do we know what God thinks? By studying the Scriptures.

Here’s an example. Let’s say your friend tells you that they are sad because they don’t have a Rolex Watch. Your friend also says, “God wants me to be happy, right? He wants us to have abundant life, right?” But then your friend wants you to support them when they make plans to steal the watch. Based on our definition, is it loving to do so? Is this God’s best for them? No. It clearly breaks one of God’s commands to not steal (Exodus 20:15; Matthew 19:18).

Yes, this is a simplistic example. But the logic also applies to other more complicated situations, including those related to priorities, identity, greed, money, ambition, sexuality, family, personhood, anger, blasphemy, jealousy, false worship, etc.

Let’s not miss the critical point that if we don’t know what the Bible teaches—or if we only have a shallow or passing understanding based on what the Google algorithm tells us—we won’t ever be very clear on what God’s will is. As a result, we won’t be able to discern what is (or isn’t) loving for someone.

Third, getting back to our definition, loving someone in a way that is consistent with the pattern we see described in the New Testament, often includes self-sacrifice.

As already mentioned, love is patterned on the example of Jesus which was clearly self-sacrificial. He laid down his life for his friends, and for all of us. Following this pattern, love often costs us something—like time, energy, resources, and sometimes our own lives.

In the end, it is only this kind of love which can successfully beat back the dark powers of the world. The martyred German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer observed: “The cross is the only power in the world which proves that suffering love can avenge and vanquish evil.”[i] It can also mend loneliness with friendship, speak hope into fracture, and give purpose to a life otherwise defined by apathy.

In closing, we live in a world that is rich in people and poor in love. Sure, people give lip service to “loving God and “loving people,” but what kind of love are they talking about? Pastor and author John Piper had a friend who was known to say this: “Beware loving loving God rather than loving God.”[ii] In other words, we need to caution ourselves against loving the idea of loving God, rather than actually loving him. I think we can apply this same cautionary word when thinking about loving the people around us. Beware loving the idea of loving people, but not actually loving them.

Let’s end in a similar way to how we began.

Something we all have in common is that we’re surrounded by people, and our lives are embedded in relationships. And, if we’re being honest, some people drive us crazy. These are people at school or work, at church, out there in the community at large, or even in our own families or friend circles.

So how do you be at your best when some people put you at your worst?

Only by the grace of God! Can any of us do this perfectly? Of course not. But it helps to resist being naïve about the meaning of love. It also helps to have a definition of love and to know what we’re aiming for: “Love means acknowledging that other people are made in God’s image, and pursuing God’s best for them, often in a way that is self-sacrificial.”

Let’s call on God for help, and fix our eyes on the one who laid down his life for you and me.

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